Yes, this is I am. This the truth about me. My childhood was not happy like all of you. You don't know how it feels when everyone look at you and laugh. You don't know how it feels when people always ignore you because you are not pretty and fat. No one ever noticed me. All the girls don't want to be friend with me, just a few boys want to be friend with me, but still sometimes they will make fun about my physical. It's truly hurt actually, but I don't cry in front them, I cry silently. And that made me feels pathetic!
You don't know how it feels when there's no jeans fit to you. You don't know how it feels you can't participate all sports activities at your school. You don't know how it feels when you walk in front bunch of people, and they laugh when they stared at you. You don't know how it feels when you have to pretend everything is okay in front your parents, but actually you are not because you don't want them to be worried. You don't know how it feels when you don't have any confidence with yourself since you was a kid. And until now, I'm still not confident with myself. Pathetic right?
My high school is just same with my primary school. But lucky me, in high school, I've become friend with 'budak-budak agak popular' but still I've become their shadows. And still sometimes my own friend like to make fun about my body, my weight, my face, my skin.This is why I don't have many friends since my primary school.
You don't now how it feels when people always compared your own sister with you. Ohh myn, kurusnya. Ika bila nak jadi macam myn? Ohh myn cantiknya kulit, tak ada jerawat. Ika kenapa ni byk jerawat, kulit tak macam kakak lah. Ohh myn makin cantiklah sekarang, ika nnt tak lama jadi macam kakak lah pulak. Myn pakai apa pun nampak cantik, ayu je. Ika jgn pakai lah nmpk sendat, ketat and blah blah blah! Fuck, this things yes this things is fucking hurt me so fucking much. Yes, I know my sister is so pretty, I get it. I'm happy for her, I'm proud to have a pretty sister, but please please you don't have to compare me with her. I'm not her, I'm not Khalyza Shazmeen, I am Khalyza Shafiqa. I don't want to be like her, I want to be me. I want people accept me the way I am without any comparison. Can't you just love me the way I am?
I think people don't have right to judge me for what I have done to myself. People don't have right to say anything for what I've become now. I've been hurt so much,since a was a little kid until now. You don't know how it feels to be like me. People used me, hurt me, laugh at me, judge me. They judge me based on what they've see, they don't even try to know me as I am.
That's way, I keep pushed away people. I don't want to hurt them, but I afraid they will hurt me. So I decide to hurt them, and at the same time I'm hurting myself too. Yes, I might look okay, but deep inside all this shit slowly,deeply killing me. This is why I've trust issues, I don't trust my own self. I don't trust when someone said I'm pretty or said I love you. It's not your fault, it's mine. It's hard for me, and I don't think any of you will understand how it's feels to be NUR KHALYZA SHAFIQA BINTI MOHD KHALID.
I'm not asking for anyone sympathy, or try to force any of you to try to know me and accept me. No, I don't want that. I just want you to stop judging me. Stop acting like you know everything about me. Stop acting like you are the only one who get hurt, and I'm not. I've been hurt a long time ago and you can't even imagine how terribly broken I am, inside.
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